Wednesday, April 16, 2014

My Faith is a Fish (Wednesday Wrestling Guest Post)

Karissa Sorrell, a friend, writer, and fellow Orthodox Christian, created a great Lenten series on her blog for those wrestling with faith. Over the past forty days, writers have used Wednesday Wrestling, to explore how we struggle with faith and life and all things holy. I was excited when she invited me to participate. If you've read my blog these past few months, then you know that my faith has been a struggle for me recently. Here's what I had to say about catching, releasing, and losing (or not) my faith-- or why my faith is like a fish.

"I feel guilty...I haven't prayed in weeks."

The words were a lie, of course--not the part about praying but the part about feeling. I didn't feel guilty. I didn't feel anything really, but I figured that I ought to feel something and pretending to feel bad seemed like a good start. Only it wasn't. Because I didn't-- feel bad, that is.

Here is what I know: two years ago, my son was diagnosed with an irreparable disability and the truth of this has slowly altered my already feeble faith. My footing is unsure and my confidence is frail. I want to trust. I want to look my son in the eye and tell him that God will protect him from harm--but I know it isn't true.

What once was comfort is now confusion. I hear the story of the blind man and wrestle with doubt. I read of the paralytic and wrestle with envy.  I struggle with the very idea of healing when I see that my child, and each of us, is a creature of our earthly habitat-- prone to the same brokenness and decay as the immovable oak rising just outside my kitchen window. Still beautiful, still worthy of sunlight, still rejoicing-- yet bending to the breeze.

It is time to admit that the landscape of my beliefs has changed.

Read the rest of the post HERE.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Sleep Study Multiple Choice ( An Update)

Wait-- You thought I said Sim was having a sleep study
You thought we had a plan?

Ha ha, suckers. Me too.

Here's the deal: Sim got a cold and when Sim gets a cold, sleeping in his cap is too hard. So we rescheduled. Then we rescheduled again because, even after two weeks, Sim is still having a tough time breathing with his cap during sleep. And I'm going a little nuts trying to figure out why.

This is how I look standing over Simeon's crib and staring at him every night.
I wear pearls for all my emotional meltdowns.

And this how I look at work, trying to play it cool all day when I'm really going bananas wondering what my child's sleep is like during naptime.
I don't look as much like Rachel McAdams during the day, unfortunately.

So, the question is, why?! Why isn't Sim sleeping with his cap on?
Is it because he...

a) Is still in the midst of a respiratory infection?
b) Has developed a springtime allergy because he thinks it will match his glasses and add to his general geek-chic persona?
c) Loves his trach like a pet goldfish and wants to keep it forever (even though we all know that little bugger is going to die eventually, right)?
d) Enjoys giving me a wicked case of the Victorian-lady vapors by yanking his trach out without warning at dinner parties and in dirty public restrooms (can one order smelling salts on Amazon? Why yes one can...)?
e) Is a fiendish and coniving toddler motivated by barbarous impulses?

(Please leave your vote in the comments.)

All of these are valid possibilities. I just wish I knew the right answer.

For now, this sleep study is set for April 23rd and, even though I kid about this stuff, the truth is that I'm really disappointed and anxious.  I thought he'd be doing so much better by now and it worries me.  I guess I got my hopes up about this whole bye-bye trach mission.  I know that decannulation will happen eventually, it's just that I want it to happen now or tomorrow.

Prayers, happy thoughts, and (good-good-good) good vibrarions (♫♫giving me the excitations♫♫) are appreciated between now and April 23rd.  Until then, you can find me staring at my child while he sleeps like I'm a creepy-creeper from a horror movie.

Or like I'm a Milford Man.
Good thing whatever is affecting his breathing is not affecting his huggability.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Spring Break (According to My iPhone)

Tomorrow we head home to Columbus after our week long Nashvacation in Tennessee.  It's been a lovely week and since I don't want to waste this last day of fun online, I'm going to give you our week in review-- according to my iPhone.

I've gotten real lazy about using my fancy DSLR camera. Partly because when I use it, I'm trying to use it correctly, meaning I've left the easy life of automatic settings and am dabbling in manual mode.  But using manual mode means I also have to use my brain to select the perfect setting and really, who has time for that? So most of my pics from this week are living on my phone.

So thanks, little phone. Good work capturing our Spring Break fun! And thank you Tennessee, for teaching Simeon what "spring" is (Ohio needs to step it up).  We'll miss you when we go.

Places of interest: 

 Now get outside and tell the weather you love it 
(or you can't stand it, depending on where you are...)!


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